What is a Business Plan?

(From Aidan Directors Blog, 10 April 2009)

Hello class.

Welcome to Professor Bal’s business class. Here, our motto is “cut the crap”.

Since this is our first class, let me start first by introducing myself. I was born in the year nineteen eighty-…ah, let’s cut the crap. Let’s move on to Lesson One, shall we?

Lesson One is “What is a Business Plan?”. Before you take out your notebook, let me say that this is a very short lesson. You can memorize it, or write it on your palm, or for those with a sense of adventure, tattoo it on your knuckles.

Ready? This is the whole lesson:

A business plan is a plan on HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

That’s it. Sorry, no tuition fee refund.

To have some fun, I did a Google search on “what is a business plan” (with quotes), and these are what I found:

DEFINITION ONE: A business plan defines the structure of the company and the object of the business activity. It contains a market analysis and details of strategic marketing, management structure, personnel and finance. A business plan plays an essential role in business administration.

DEFINITION TWO: A business plan is a recognized management tool used by successful and/or prospective businesses of all sizes to document business objectives and to propose how these objectives will be attained within a specific period of time. It is a written document which describes who you are, what you plan to achieve, where your business will be located, when you expect to get under way, and how you will overcome the risks involved and provide the returns anticipated.

DEFINITION THREE:
A business plan is a document that summarizes the operational and financial objectives of a business, focuses on key points, allocates resources and contains the detailed plans and budgets showing how the objectives are to be realized. Because the business plan contains detailed financial projections, forecasts about your business’s performance, and a marketing plan, it’s an incredibly useful tool for planning of your business.

*Yawn* This is why I did not go to business school. I lack the skills of using big words to say nothing.

Let me comment on these “definitions”. By the way, these are generic definitions and there are hundreds like it on Google, so I won’t bother giving due credit to people who came up with these “definitions”.

———————————————-

We start with the first one.

DEFINITION ONE:
A business plan defines the structure of the company…
So far so good. But, a business plan does not “define” the structure of the company. It merely states the structure of the company. “Define” is the wrong word.

… and the object of the business activity.
“object of the business activity”: to make money. Whether you sell spark plugs, ear plugs, or butt plugs, the object of any BUSINESS activity is to make money. If not, then it’s not a business.

It contains a market analysis and details of strategic marketing…
Wow, I truly am impressed with the big words “market analysis” and “strategic marketing”. I humbly bow to your great skills in wordsmithery, o smart MBA man.

Let me translate that into simple language for people who, like me, might throw up when they listen to the word “strategic”:
“market analysis” = who will give money to us.
“strategic marketing” = how to get them to give money to us.

…management structure, personnel and finance…
“management structure” = who will whip ass when we don’t make money.
“personnel” = whose ass will it be.
“finance” = money.

…A business plan plays an essential role in business administration.
No kidding.

Conclusion: BUSINESS PLAN = HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

———————————————-

Let’s move on to the next one. Tee hee hee…I am having so much fun doing this.

DEFINITION TWO:
A business plan is a recognized management tool used by successful and/or prospective businesses of all sizes to document business objectives and to propose how these objectives will be attained within a specific period of time.
In other words, how to make money.

It is a written document which describes who you are,…
This belongs to a prison record, not a business plan.

…what you plan to achieve,…
Make money.

…where your business will be located,…
What difference does it make?

…when you expect to get under way, and how you will overcome the risks involved and provide the returns anticipated.
In other word, when and how to make money.

Conclusion: BUSINESS PLAN = HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

———————————————-

One more to go.

DEFINITION THREE:
A business plan is a document that summarizes the operational and financial objectives of a business, focuses on key points, allocates resources and contains the detailed plans and budgets showing how the objectives are to be realized.
So much bullshit I need a jackboot to walk out of here. Say it with me: HOW TO MAKE MONEY!!!!!!

Because the business plan contains detailed financial projections, forecasts about your business’s performance, and a marketing plan,…
That is, how to make money.

…it’s an incredibly useful tool for planning of your business.
No shit, Sherlock.

Conclusion: BUSINESS PLAN = HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

———————————————-

Class dismissed.

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