Creepypasta

31 May 2010

Source: /x/

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Wild Asian Ass

29 May 2010

WEB PORN? BUT I WAS ONLY AFTER WILD ASIAN ASS

By JAMIE PYATT, The Sun

Published: 28 May 2010

A CROSSWORD fan aged 89 used an internet search to solve a clue about a donkey – and was bombarded with hard-core porn.

Jack Sedgewick got stuck on 14 across: “Wild asian ass.”

The great-grandad typed “asian ass” into Yahoo’s search engine in the hope of finding the answer to the newspaper poser.

But he was stunned when it threw up dozens of porn sites displaying photos of naked Asian girls. One offered “the hottest spicy asian ass you’ll ever see”.

Ex-engineer Jack said: “I was shaken. The images were horrendous. I didn’t know this sort of stuff existed.”

After trying variations on the theme with the same result, frantic Jack finally found the answer by changing his search to “donkey sanctuaries”.

It was “onager” – sometimes known as “Wild Ass Asian” and found in deserts from the Mid East to Tibet.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2990390/Web-porn-But-I-was-only-after-br-wild-Asian-ass.html


Small Penis Rule

25 May 2010

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_penis_rule

Quote:

The “small penis rule” is an informal strategy used by authors to evade libel lawsuits. It was described in a New York Times article in 1998:

“…For a fictional portrait to be actionable, it must be so accurate that a reader of the book would have no problem linking the two,” said Mr. Friedman. Thus, he continued, libel lawyers have what is known as “the small penis rule.” One way authors can protect themselves from libel suits is to say that a character has a small penis, Mr. Friedman said. “Now no male is going to come forward and say, ‘That character with a very small penis, ‘That’s me!’ “

(hat tip: Luqman)


Lionizing by Edgar Allan Poe (1835)

24 May 2010

-all people went

Upon their ten toes in wild wondernment.

Bishop Hall’s Satires.

I AM, that is to say I was, a great man, but I am neither the author of Junius nor the man in the mask, for my name, I believe, is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum–Fudge.

The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands. My mother saw this and called me a genius:– my father wept for joy and presented me with a treatise on Nosology. This I mastered before I was breeched.

I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently conspicuous, he might by merely following it, arrive at a Lionship. But my attention was not confined to theories alone. Every morning I gave my proboscis a couple of pulls and swallowed a half–dozen of drams.

When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step with him into his study.

“My son,” he said, when we were seated, “what is the chief end of your existence?”

“My father,” I answered, “it is the study of Nosology.”

“And what, Robert,” he inquired, “is Nosology?”

“Sir,” I said, “it is the science of Noses.”

“And can you tell me,” he demanded, “what is the meaning of a nose?”

“A nose, my father,” I replied, greatly softened, “has been variously defined by about a thousand different authors.” [Here I pulled out my watch.] “It is now noon, or thereabouts– We shall have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To commence then: The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance– that bump– that excresence– that–”

“Will do, Robert,” interupted the old gentleman. “I am thunderstruck at the extent of your information– I am positively– upon my soul.” [Here he closed his eyes and placed his hand upon his heart.] “Come here!” [Here he took me by the arm.] “Your education may now be considered as finished– it is high time you should scuffle for yourself– and you cannot do a better thing than merely follow your nose– so– so– so–” [Here he kicked me down stairs and out of the door.]–”So get out of my house, and God bless you!”

As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this accident rather fortunate than otherwise. I resolved to be guided by the paternal advice. I determined to follow my nose. I gave it a pull or two upon the spot, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology forthwith.

All Fum–Fudge was in an uproar.

“Wonderful genius!” said the Quarterly.

“Superb physiologist!” said the Westminster.

“Clever fellow!” said the Foreign.

“Fine writer!”, said the Edinburgh.

“Profound thinker!” said the Dublin.

“Great man!” said Bentley.

“Divine soul!” said Fraser.

“One of us!” said Blackwood.

“Who can he be?” said Mrs. Bas–Bleu.

“What can he be?” said big Miss Bas–Bleu.

“Where can he be?” said little Miss Bas–Bleu.– But I paid these people no attention whatever– I just stepped into the shop of an artist.

The Duchess of Bless–my–Soul was sitting for her portrait; the Marquis of So–and–So was holding the Duchess’ poodle; the Earl of This–and–That was flirting with her salts; and his Royal Highness of Touch–me–Not was leaning upon the back of her chair.

I approached the artist and turned up my nose.

“Oh, beautiful!” sighed her Grace.

“Oh, my!” lisped the Marquis.

“Oh, shocking!” groaned the Earl.

“Oh, abominable!” growled his Royal Highness.

“What will you take for it?” asked the artist.

“For his nose!” shouted her Grace.

“A thousand pounds,” said I, sitting down.

“A thousand pounds?” inquired the artist, musingly.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“Beautiful!” said he, entranced.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“Do you warrant it?” he asked, turning the nose to the light.

“I do,” said I, blowing it well.

“Is it quite original?” he inquired, touching it with reverence.

“Humph!” said I, twisting it to one side.

“Has no copy been taken?” he demanded, surveying it through a microscope.

“None,” said I, turning it up.

“Admirable!” he ejaculated, thrown quite off his guard by the beauty of the manoeuvre.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“A thousand pounds?” said he.

“Precisely,” said I.

“A thousand pounds?” said he.

“Just so,” said I.

“You shall have them,” said he. “What a piece of virtu!” So he drew me a check upon the spot, and took a sketch of my nose. I engaged rooms in Jermyn street, and sent her Majesty the ninety–ninth edition of the “Nosology,” with a portrait of the proboscis. That sad little rake, the Prince of Wales, invited me to dinner.

We are all lions and recherches.

There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, Iamblicus, Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus Tyrius, and Syrianus.

There was a human–perfectibility man. He quoted Turgot, Price, Priestly, Condorcet, De Stael, and the “Ambitious Student in Ill–Health.”

There was Sir Positive Paradox. He observed that all fools were philosophers, and that all philosophers were fools.

There was Aestheticus Ethix. He spoke of fire, unity, and atoms; bi–part and pre–existent soul; affinity and discord; primitive intelligence and homoomeria.

There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus; heresy and the Council of Nice; Puseyism and consubstantialism; Homousios and Homouioisios.

There was Fricassee from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned Muriton of red tongue; cauliflowers with veloute sauce; veal a la St. Menehoult; marinade a la St. Florentin; and orange jellies en mosaiques.

There was Bibulus O’Bumper. He touched upon Latour and Markbrunnen; upon Mosseux and Chambertin; upon Richbourg and St. George; upon Haubrion, Leonville, and Medoc; upon Barac and Preignac; upon Grave, upon Sauterne, upon Lafitte, and upon St. Peray. He shook his head at Clos de Vougeot, and told with his eyes shut, the difference between Sherry and Amontillado.

There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He discoursed of Cimabue, Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino– of the gloom of Caravaggio, of the amenity of Albano, of the colors of Titian, of the frows of Rubens, and of the waggeries of Jan Steen.

There was the President of the Fum–Fudge University. He was of the opinion that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece.

There was a Grand Turk from Stamboul. He could not help thinking that the angels were horses, cocks, and bulls; that somebody in the sixth heaven had seventy thousand heads; and that the earth was supported by a sky–blue cow with an incalculable number of green horns.

There was Delphinus Polyglott. He told us what had become of the eighty–three lost tragedies of Aeschylus; of the fifty–four orations of Isaeus; of the three hundred and ninety–one speeches of Lysias; of the hundred and eighty treatises of Theophrastus; of the eighth book of the conic sections of Apollonius; of Pindar’s hymns and dithyrambics, and of the five and forty tragedies of Homer Junior.

There was Ferdinand Fitz–Fossillus Feltspar. He informed us all about internal fires and tertiary formations; about aeriforms, fluidiforms, and solidforms; about quartz and marl; about schist and schorl; about gypsum and trap; about talc and calc; about blende and horn–blende; about micaslate and pudding–stone; about cyanite and lepidolite; about haematite and tremolite; about antimony and calcedony; about manganese and whatever you please.

There was myself. I spoke of myself;– of myself, of myself, of myself;– of Nosology, of my pamphlet, and of myself. I turned up my nose, and I spoke of myself.

“Marvellous clever man!” said the Prince.

“Superb!” said his guests;– and next morning her Grace of Bless–my–soul paid me a visit.

“Will you go to Almack’s, pretty creature?” she said, tapping me under the chin.

“Upon honor,” said I.

“Nose and all?” she asked.

“As I live,” I replied.

“Here then is a card, my life. Shall I say you will be there?”

“Dear, Duchess, with all my heart.”

“Pshaw, no!– but with all your nose?”

“Every bit of it, my love,” said I:– so I gave it a twist or two, and found myself at Almack’s.

The rooms were crowded to suffocation.

“He is coming!” said somebody on the staircase.

“He is coming!” said somebody farther up.

“He is coming!” said somebody farther still.

“He is come!” exclaimed the Duchess, “He is come, the little love!”– and, seizing me firmly by both hands, she kissed me thrice upon the nose.

A marked sensation immediately ensued.

“Diavolo!” cried Count Capricornutti.

“Dios guarda!” muttered Don Stiletto.

“Mille tonnerres!” ejaculated the Prince de Grenouille.

“Tousand teufel!” growled the Elector of Bluddennuff.

It was not to be borne. I grew angry. I turned short upon Bluddennuff.

“Sir!” said I to him, “you are a baboon.”

“Sir,” he replied, after a pause. “Donner und Blitzen!”

This was all that could be desired. We exchanged cards. At Chalk–Farm, the next morning, I shot off his nose– and then called upon my friends.

“Bete!” said the first.

“Fool!” said the second.

“Dolt!” said the third.

“Ass!” said the fourth.

“Ninny!” said the fifth.

“Noodle!” said the sixth.

“Be off!” said the seventh.

At all this I felt mortified, and so called upon my father.

“Father,” I asked, “what is the chief end of my existence?”

“My son,” he replied, “it is still the study of Nosology; but in hitting the Elector upon the nose you have overshot your mark. You have a fine nose, it is true; but then Bluddennuff has none. You are damned, and he has become the hero of the day. I grant you that in Fum–Fudge the greatness of a lion is in proportion to the size of his proboscis– but, good heavens! there is no competing with a lion who has no proboscis at all.”


Numerology is Bull Crap

20 May 2010

Numerologi bukanlah sains atau bidang ilmu yang sahih. Ia merupakan bidang ilmu rekaan yang karut setahap ilmu tilik, ilmu astrologi dan ilmu “meneka personaliti berdasarkan warna seluar dalam”. Cuma disebabkan numerologi ni ada guna nombor-nombor sedikit, maka orang-orang yang jahil matematik (95% daripada khalayak umum) pun terpegun, terpesona dan terjojol biji mata dan mempercayai numerologi sebagai satu cabang ilmu sains.

Numerologi adalah bullshit. Karut dan merapu. Siapa percaya numerologi atau belajar numerologi sama lah tahapnya dengan orang yang menggunakan gelang magnet dan ionized water dan pembedahan ajaib. Numerologi tiada asas dalam sains, tiada asas dalam matematik, tiada asas dalam agama. Yang ada cuma asas kepercayaan karut nenek moyang zaman silam yang pada ketika itu juga mempercayai bahawa bumi ini terletak di hujung tanduk seekor kerbau gergasi. Kenapa ada orang masih percaya numerologi entahlah. Mungkin penyakit bodoh agaknya. hehe…

Dr Asri, bekas mufti Perlis yang merupakan seorang yang intelek, dan juga merupakan voice of reason bagi umat Islam di Malaysia, telah menghentam numerologi karut ini di dalam entry blognya: http://drmaza.com/home/?p=1135 . Syabas diucapkan kepada Dr. Asri, Dr. memang a class above the rest, tak macam segelintir tokoh agama yang pergi menghadiri kursus numerologi dan memberi sokongan pula tu. Patut diorang ni, cabut kopiah tu, kasi ganti dengan dunce cap. Tarik balik tauliah mengajar tu, ganti dengan Ijazah Ph.D. Internet bidang “mempercayai karut-marut yang berbunyi saintifik”.

Untuk menunjukkan betapa mudahnya mencipta karut numerologi, saya telah mencipta satu TEKNIK NUMEROLOGI SUHAIMI RAMLY yang boleh digunakan oleh kesemua manusia untuk meramal personaliti dan masa depan mereka. Saya telah mengambil masa yang lama (3 minit) untuk mencipta teknik ini yang saya warisi melalui ilham yang dihantar dari alam ghaib oleh seorang pahlawan melayu abad ke-15. Ilmu ini telah dihilangkan di alam semesta ini selama 500 tahun kerana ketiadaan tokoh yang layak menerima ilmu ini sehinggalah pahlawan tersebut dari alam ghaib menyalurkan ilmu ini kepada saya melalui Telepathy (betul ni, jangan tak caya. Kalau nak tahu lagi lanjut tanya wartawan Mastika).

TEKNIK NUMEROLOGI “DOKTOR” SUHAIMI RAMLY (DOKTOR BELI DI INTERNET) UNTUK MERAMAL MASA DEPAN DAN MENGENAL PERSONALITI DIRI ANDA

1. Mula-mula, tulis nama penuh anda di atas sebuah kertas (tanpa bin atau binti).

2. Campurkan nilai kesemua huruf di dalam nama anda (A=1, B=2, C=3, dan seterusnya). Jika nama anda ada simbol pelik seperti á atau š, gunakan ASCII value bagi simbol tersebut. Kalau tak ada juga ASCII value, gantikan dengan default value iaitu 732 (732 bermaksud “orang yang bertuah” dalam sistem numerologi Srivijaya purba).

3. Setelah campurkan nombor-nombor itu, anda akan mendapat satu nombor. Nombor ini dipanggil nombor ANAK.

4. Buat proses yang sama dengan nama ibu dan bapa anda. Nombor yang diperolehi ialah nombor IBU dan nombor BAPA.

5. Contoh: katalah Ali mempunyai bapa bernama Abu, dan ibu bernama Nora. Maka

Nombor anak = A + L + I = 1 + 12 + 9 = 22.

Nombor ibu = N + O + R + A = 14 + 15 + 18 + 1 = 48.

Nombor bapa = A + B + U = 1 + 2 + 21 = 24.

6. Kemudian, darabkan nombor anak dengan 19 (19 bermaksud “anda seorang yang bijak” dalam sistem numerologi Champa).

7. Darabkan nombor ibu dengan 62 (62 bermaksud “anda seorang yang cantik” dalam sistem numerologi Siam purba).

8. Darabkan nombor bapa dengan 113 (113 bermaksud “anda seorang yang berhemah tinggi” dalam sistem numerologi Greek purba).

9. Campurkan ketiga-tiga nombor yang anda perolehi.

Contoh: bagi Ali, nombornya ialah (22 x 19) + (48 x 62) + (24 x 113) = 198 + 2976 + 2712 = 5886.

Langkah ini agak sukar, jadi jika anda tak pandai mengira, anda boleh hubungi saya untuk sesi konsultansi. Kosnya murah sahaja, RM 700 untuk 15 minit. Ini adalah pelaburan anda untuk masa depan gemilang berdasarkan numerologi.

10. Bahagikan nombor itu dengan 5, dan cari bakinya. Ada 5 baki yang mungkin iaitu 0, 1, 2, 3, 4.

Contoh: bagi Ali, bakinya ialah 5886 bahagi 5 iaitu 1.

Baki ini akan menentukan personaliti anda, dan juga masa depan anda.

Jika baki anda 0,

personaliti: anda seorang yang suka kepada perkara-perkara yang anda cintai

ramalan masa depan: anda akan menikmati kebaikan tetapi kadangkala anda mengalami kegagalan

Jika baki anda 1,

personaliti: anda ialah seorang yang tidak menyukai perkara-perkara yang anda benci

ramalan masa depan: anda akan berasa gembira tetapi kadangkala sedih

Jika baki anda 2,

personaliti: anda ialah seorang yang ceria apabila melalui detik-detik gembira

ramalan masa depan: anda akan merasa tenang tetapi kadangkala berasa gementar dalam hidup anda

Jika baki anda 3,

personaliti: anda ialah seorang yang sedih bila melalui pengalaman yang amat mendukakan

ramalan masa depan: syabas! anda ialah seorang yang berfikiran positif, tapi awas, kadangkala anda berfikiran negatif

Jika baki anda 4,

personaliti: anda seorang yang disukai oleh sebahagian orang dan tidak disukai oleh sebahagian orang

ramalan masa depan: anda ialah seorang yang hidup tapi pada satu masa kelak anda bukan lagi orang yang hidup

_______________________________

Keh keh keh…senang tak aku rekacipta bullshit numerologi? Tak payah ada math degree dari MIT pun anda boleh reka sendiri karut-marut numerologi yang akan dipercayai oleh mereka yang malas berfikir tapi hanya mempercayai apa jua tahi yang disuapkan oleh “pakar-pakar” yang kononnya mengetahui rahsia besar berkaitan nombor.

Kesimpulannya, numerologi adalah karut, dan siapa yang percaya adalah berotak rendah.

Bacaan lanjut: http://www.skepdic.com/numology.html

_______________________________

FAQ

Q: Bal, kenapa marah sangat ni?

A: Aku rasa marah disebabkan oleh satu perbualan yang berlaku beberapa hari lepas dengan seorang kawan perempuan. Dialog itu adalah seperti berikut:

Perempuan: eh, bal belajar math dulu kan?

Bal: ya.

Perempuan: eh, bal tau tak rahsia nombor 7? i baca hari tu, dia kata nombor 7 ni…bla bla bla

Bal (di dalam hati): FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU–

https://i2.wp.com/blog.aidan.com.my/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rageface.png


Boston

19 May 2010

Click to enlarge.


Malaysia IMO 2010 Team

14 May 2010

The following students have been selected to represent Malaysia in the International Mathematical Olympiad 2010 which will take place in Astana, Kazakhstan from 2 to 4 July 2010:

  1. Tham Ying Hong — SMJK Katholik, Selangor
  2. Joshua Lim Kai Tsen — SMK Tinggi St. David, Melaka
  3. Muhammad Aqil bin Kamarudin — Kolej MARA Seremban, NS
  4. Muhammad Faiz bin Zulbadli — Kolej Yayasan UEM, Perak
  5. How Si Yu — SMK USJ 12, Selangor
  6. How Si Wei — SMK USJ 12, Selangor

The rest of the delegations are:

  • Leader — Suhaimi Ramly
  • Deputy Leader — Rafie Razar (teacher, MCKK)
  • Officials — M. Ikhwan Azlan (UKM), Salizah Samad (MARA), Nor Ain Mohamed (MOE)

The six students have undergone intensive training since last December, and have distinguished themselves through excellent results in international contests such as the Asia Pacific Mathematics Olympiad and the International Mathematics Tournament of the Towns.

Congratulations to all six, and work hard to make Malaysia proud!

List of participants for IMO 2010


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